This is the first part in a new series on alternative weddings, and so a good place to start would be a definition of what exactly we mean by an 'alternative wedding' anyway. This is our definition:
"An alternative wedding does not conform to a standard recognised religious ceremony, nor to a standard civil ceremony, in that the words and events during the wedding ceremony differ from those provided by the state and the church."
Hmm, that seems very formal doesn't it? When I think of alternative weddings all kinds of things pop into my mind; people jumping out of airplanes and marrying as they skydive, people dressed in medieval costume, people having hand fasting ceremonies, people writing their own wedding vows… the list goes on. The important thing in the definition though is that the wedding is constructed by the couple (or a professional third party) and diverges away from the standard religious or civil script.
The practical aspect of alternative weddings
Before we get excited about all the fabulous things you could do for an alternative wedding, I'm going to cover the legal part – if you want your wedding to create a legally binding marriage, there are a couple of important things to consider.
There is actually only a tiny thing that is required to make a wedding legally recognised. Whatever happens, at some point both members of the couple have to declare that they "know not of any lawful impediment why I should not be joined in matrimony" in the presence of two witnesses. That's all; the vows and the exchange of wedding rings don't have anything to do with the legal bit.
The other critical aspect is that an official registrar has to be involved, whether they are conducting the actual ceremony or not – and that can be a bit of a minefield which I'll pick up upon later.
One option that is very popular for alternative weddings is to get the legal bit done at the register office the day before with the minimum people required, and then have the full wedding the next day, with rings, vows and the whole caboodle.
Working with a registrar for an alternative wedding
Now that we've got past the definition and the initial practical considerations, I feel it's a good time to tell you that my own wedding was one classed as 'alternative' in that we adapted the normal civil service vows and built our own ceremony. I'd like to describe the experience a little to help you if you're considering this.
Originally, we wanted a friend of ours to conduct the ceremony, but when enquiries were made with the relevant local authorities it was made clear that for the ceremony to be legal, the local registrar would have to conduct it, and furthermore, the ceremony had to be one provided by the wedding authority.
A pack arrived containing a guide to civil ceremonies, incorporating a "choose your own" off the shelf approved civil ceremony. It had two or three options for each part of the ceremony, so you could pick the opening address, then the middle bit version, the vow variants etc. It was like ordering a Chinese meal from a takeaway. "I’ll have introduction B with vows C and readings A and D – can I have prawn crackers with that too?"
As you can tell, I wasn't impressed – it felt like a conveyor belt wedding. So we contacted them and asked if we could write our own. The initial response was no. When we negotiated, we asked if we could write the ceremony and the parts that we'd like the registrar to do, and then send it in for approval. They agreed to this, we wrote our own ceremony and sent it off to the registrar, who, thank goodness, was happy to conduct the ceremony using our words instead of the council's.
One thing to bear in mind, if you are considering writing your own wedding vows and ceremony, is that it's unlikely to be approved if the wording is too close to a traditional religious wedding ceremony.
Negotiate with a registrar or by-pass altogether?
It may be different in your part of the country, but if you want your alternative ceremony to be legally recognised by the local authority, like any other civil wedding, you need to get the registrar on board. It may take several phone calls, being flexible yet firm in what you want and being willing to compromise. Using our own words and making our own ceremony was very important to us, but we also wanted it to have the legal recognition too. That made it harder to arrange, but it was worth it.
Of course, you can just get the minimal ceremony carried out at a local register office the day before and then do whatever you like on your actual wedding day; it's entirely up to you. And at the end of the day, that's what alternative weddings are all about, isn't it?
Over to you
Are you planning an alternative wedding? Do you have any questions, problems or just want to cheer 'me too!' and join in? Drop a line in the comments, I'd love to hear from you.
[...] our series on alternative weddings, this week we're going to discuss costumed [...]